Changes

Well this morning as I sit waiting for the computer to come up, there is a reflection in the screen that is just not RIGHT.  I stare for a minute wondering did this exhausted looking, middle aged woman just appear over night or has she been steadily coming on???  I also wonder can one come back from the "YOU look as bad as I feel" look??  

I have look for the pause button of Life to no avail.  Where is the darn thing, I just need...??? Well what is it that I need, I can't put my finger on it.  To be less busy, but, I would fill the spare time with "something".  So maybe that is why the pause button is not here.

I also think of my MIL.  Dementia is a puzzling, cruel and deceptive disease.  There are huge gaps in her reality, like years have been erased along with the people and things that go in those gaps.  She has trouble remembering us and the family at times, she forgets things she was just told, and it is not always the same things that are missing.  How strange it must be to look in the mirror and not know what the HECK happened.  Where did this old woman come from???  When she first came to live with us one day she was just staring and rubbing her hands and arms.  Like where did these come from.  

It is hard to help her at times her gaps change from day to day and sometimes during the day.  I have said that it is good she does not remember She does not like me.  Well I wonder if at times she does recall that.  She will say something with a sense of amazement, like Honey you are so sweet...like that is a thing that should not be.  It is a sad thing for everyone involved.  

Heart breaking to the family who watches as (like in the Never Ending Story) the nothingness takes away the reality of what life was.

I guess that should be a sign to make the most of today, enjoy the parts we have and love the ones you have while they are here!